I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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