Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
