Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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