does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
