if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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