So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
