you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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