trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
