I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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