i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
