I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
