not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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