im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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