I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Your cock deserves a montage
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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