I cannot find my penis.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.