i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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