I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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