Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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