my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
