You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
