when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
