Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
