You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
