is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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