I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
