I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
