I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
