your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No subtext here. People are naked.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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