Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
