She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As shirtless as possible
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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