Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
