just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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