quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
