Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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