I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
