If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
