she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
