i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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