My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
