...so i touched it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
