I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
