I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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