yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
