I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
