You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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