Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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