you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
