my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
