dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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