Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
