He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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