look no pants
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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