Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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