i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
