And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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