I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
